The health care reform bill before the House puts impenetrable insurance regulations on employers, and if they fail to comply, they could face a $500,000 penalty enforced by the IRS.  Maybe that’s the free colonoscopy Obama promised. 

Hugh Hefner just filed for divorce from his former Playmate wife, Kimberly Conrad.  If you’d forgotten he was married, don’t feel bad.  Apparently, he forgot that little detail, too.

At state-run hospitals in Australia, doctors complained about having to work up to 80 hours a week and falling asleep on the job, so the government recommended that they drink six cups of coffee a day.  Great, now your surgeon can be both sleepy and jittery.   

There are some things that it is right to feel anger about.  If you feel no rage over 9/11, then you are not as “evolved” as you think you are. 

The House health care plan does forbid covering illegal aliens, but Democrats rejected giving hospitals the power to identify whether someone is an illegal alien.  So in reality, it only prevents illegal aliens from being treated by doctors who are psychic. 

Was it wrong of Rep. Joe Wilson to yell out, “You lie” at President Obama?  Absolutely.  Was it correct for him to apologize?  Emphatically.  But if you claim this was an unprecedented show of disrespect to a President, well, I’m sorry, but…you lie. 

If you’d like some longevity tips, the oldest known American, 114-year-old Mary Josephine Ray of New Hampshire, says she loves ice cream, Hershey’s Kisses and the Boston Red Sox.  Until now, I didn’t think loving any of those things was particularly good for your health. 

The Census Bureau announced that it’s canceled plans to let ACORN help with the 2010 census.  This could lead to a shameful undercounting of fictional Disney characters and Salvadoran prostitutes. 

The mainstream media hardly mentioned that the Census Bureau had revoked its contract to work with ACORN in 2010.  Maybe if Kanye West had yanked the Census contract out of ACORN’s hands, it would’ve actually made the news. 

A new Pew Research Center poll finds that nearly two-thirds of Americans think the news stories they read, hear or watch are frequently unreliable.  Trust me, that’s actually true. 

Despite Obama’s warnings of no more bailouts if big banks get in trouble again, the government will most likely bail them out again.  After all, a year ago, they were “too big to fail.”  And thanks to the taxpayers bailing them out, what are they today?  Still “too big to fail.” 

I know I’m expected to give intelligent commentary on the daily actions of Congress, but some days, I think it might be more appropriate just to laugh out loud for three minutes straight.

Under new House guidelines, members are not allowed to call any President a liar or a hypocrite, but they may accuse him of pork-barreling, call his speech a disgrace to the country, and refer to his staff as the “half-baked nitwits handling foreign affairs.”  So thank goodness, Congress hasn’t banned honesty entirely.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warned that it’s going to feel like a very weak economy for some time, and unemployment is likely to remain high, but “from a technical perspective, the recession is very likely over.”  So break out the champagne…but make it the house brand. 

President Obama pitched his health care plan on five Sunday news shows, followed by an appearance on David Letterman’s show.  Some advisor needs to tell him that if there’s one thing Americans get tired of quickly, it’s an insurance salesman who won’t take no for an answer.

The makers of Snuggie, the blanket with arms, held their first fashion show in New York, with runway models showing off the new zebra and leopard prints.  So congratulations, Snuggie fan.  You’re no longer a couch potato; you’re now a “divan pomme de terre.”  

A poll of 2,000 Britons found that men tell twice as many lies as women, but the most common lie was the same for both sexes: “Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine.”  That’s a lie we not only tell each other, we tell it to ourselves.

For Constitution Day, I’d like to recommend that our House and Senate members read the U.S. Constitution.  Don’t worry; the original is only about six pages, not over a thousand. It’s just the blueprint for the entire U.S. government. It’s not a health care bill. 

An Athens, Tennessee, man is facing aggravated assault charges after he was accused of pointing a shotgun at visitors in his house late Sunday night to make them go home.  Good luck finding jurors who won’t be sympathetic to that!

Sen. Max Baucus released a compromise health care plan that was immediately ripped apart by Republicans and Democrats alike.  So it turns out it really is a bipartisan plan: both sides hate it equally.

I strongly disagree with Former President Jimmy Carter that people are criticizing Obama because of his race.  I think they’re just criticizing him because they think he’s starting to govern like Jimmy Carter.

You’d think that if anyone knew Presidents of any color can attract vociferous criticism, it would be Jimmy Carter. 

When you’re President, dodging criticism, and sometimes shoes, is just part of the job.  The color of your skin doesn’t matter.  All that counts is how thick it is. 

NASA has discovered the coldest spot in the solar system, a crater on the dark side of the moon where the sun has never shined and it’s 397 degrees below zero.  That’s actually colder than the reception I’d get at a Maureen Dowd dinner party.

The White House is being accused of using the NEA to press artists to create art the promotes Obama’s political agenda, which would be taxpayer-funded propaganda.  Of course, a lot of people think that’s what art has become anyway, but do we have to be so blatant about it?  

After less than a week, Sen. Max Baucus’ health care bill has 564 proposed amendments to change it, so he put out a revised version Monday.  I have a feeling he’ll be doing that every Monday from now on. 

A Rasmussen poll finds that “Congress member” has sunk four places below “lawyer” and is now the least favorably regarded profession.  And if you’re a Congress member who’s also a lawyer, well…I don’t think the chart goes that low. 

California authorities say the recent wildfires saved them the trouble of having to destroy at least three major marijuana plantations hidden in the Angeles National Forest.  If that news doesn’t convince California environmentalists to let them clear out the kindling, nothing will.  

President Obama insists that forcing uninsured people to buy an expensive health care policy or pay a big fine is not a new tax.  But since they’ll be forced by law to fork over a lot of their hard earned money to pay for services they’ll probably never use, it sure will feel like a tax. 

The British clothing maker Thomas Pink is introducing a necktie with a pocket in the back to hold an MP3 player.  So good news, men: someone finally figured out a use for neckties!

Sweden’s government hopes to boost the lagging economy by cutting taxes to encourage new businesses and job growth.  It’s taken Sweden 25 years to learn the lessons Ronald Reagan taught, but we shouldn’t feel smug.  After all, it took us less than 25 years to forget them. 

Despite an ongoing budget crisis, dismal poll ratings and President Obama urging him to quit, New York Gov. David Paterson says his plans to run for reelection have not changed. Sounds like he might have even more faith in hope than Obama does. 

Congratulations, I guess, to competitive eater “Humble Bob” Shoudt, who won the 2009 World Burrito eating championship at the New Mexico state fair by downing 33-1/2 burritos in 10 minutes.  I have a feeling that today, he’ll be setting a new world record for swallowing the most Gas-X pills. 

Fidel Castro praised President Obama, saying that no other U.S. President would’ve made the speech Obama gave at the U.N.  And for once, Fidel Castro is actually right about something.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told the U.N. that it was a disgrace that they allowed an anti-Semitic Holocaust denier to stand at their podium, and if they think Ahmadinejad and his “odious regime” are only a threat to Jews, they are “dead wrong.”  I just hope the U.N. had translators who understand the plain truth.  It’s a language they don’t hear very often there. 

Parents in Burlington, New Jersey, are upset over a video showing elementary school kids singing a hymn to Obama that includes the lines, “Red or yellow, black or white, they are equal in his sight, Barack Hussein Obama.”  Sound like someone else you know, whom you’re NOT allowed to sing a hymn to in school?  

Michael Moore’s new movie that slams capitalism as evil debuted in two theaters each in L.A. and New York and grossed a very strong $9,000 per screen.  Poor Michael must be just devastated by the news. 

After being diagnosed with terminal heart disease, author Norman Cousins treated himself with Vitamin C, love, faith, hope, laughter and a positive attitude.  He went on to live another 36 years.  So imagine how long you could live if you had love, faith, hope, laughter, a positive attitude and no heart disease.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that Obamacare will be Congress' "Christmas present to the American people."   Usually, Christmas is when you spend too much of your own money on something for your grandchildren, not the other way around.

A paleontologist from Canada wants to prove that dinosaurs evolved into birds by tampering with the genes of a chicken embryo to produce a “chickosaurus.”  This may lead to either the return of dinosaurs, or to giant-size pieces of fried chicken.  And either one could kill a lot of people. 

Sen. Max Baucus was asked if he’d changed his opinion on whether a health care public option could pass.  He replied, “I don’t know.  I don’t know.  I don’t know.  I just really don’t know.”  They should carve that on a plaque above the Capitol door, to regularly remind Congress members of how much they don’t know. 

President Obama pitched his health care plan on five Sunday news shows, followed by an appearance with David Letterman.  Some advisor needs to tell him that if there’s one thing Americans get tired of quickly, it’s an insurance salesman who won’t take no for an answer.

A gym coach in China is renting himself out as a human punching bag for overstressed women.  He says most women tire out after a few minutes of punching and spend the rest of the time talking to him about their problems.  I bet a lot of men would prefer just to be punched for the full half-hour. 

President Obama is planning some new programs aimed at stimulating small businesses, the way Congress bailed out Wall Street.  But small businesses don’t need a bailout.  They just need Washington to stop drilling holes in the boat. 

Mutadhar al-Zeidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush, was giving a press conference in Paris when another Iraqi man flung his shoe at Mutadhar’s head.  But Mutadhar’s brother took off his own shoe and charged him with it.  I’m starting to think there will never be peace in the Middle East until everyone there has to go barefoot.

A shoe store in Belgium reported one shoe being stolen, and police recovered it by tracking down a one-legged man who had been seen hanging out there.  I know this sounds like they were engaging in profiling, but hey…if the shoe fits.

George W. Bush took a lot of flak for “swaggering” and not being humble enough.   But at least he knew you don’t make a bully straighten up by apologizing for your shortcomings, but by projecting strength.  I’d much prefer our President be jeered but feared, than adored but ignored. 

A captured Taliban spokesman in Pakistan admitted that the group’s leader was killed in a recent air strike, despite an alleged phone call to the media by someone claiming to be him.  So either that was an impostor, or else there are now cell phones in Hell, which wouldn’t be at all surprising.

A couple in Shorewood, Wisconsin, was arrested after they allegedly boosted the limits on credit cards by paying them with credit checks, then charged two BMWs onto seven credit cards.  Buying a lot of cars on credit when you’re already maxed out on debt is the kind of thing only Congress can get away with.

Speaker Pelosi said there is “no way” a health care bill will pass the House without a public option because it’s needed to “keep insurance companies honest.”  I thought we already had laws to keep insurance companies honest, but maybe she thinks they don’t work any better than Congressional ethics laws do. 

Indeed.com reports that the best place to find a job is Washington, DC, where job ads outnumber unemployed people 6-to-1.  Our government is growing bigger all the time, and as Congress proves every day, they’ll hire anybody.  

Harry Truman once said if you laid all the economists in the world end to end, they still wouldn’t point in the same direction.  But even if they did, that wouldn’t guarantee it was the right direction.

The U.S. Post Office got agreement from two unions to offer buyouts to up to 30,000 postal employees to reduce the payroll.  When you’re waiting in line at the post office, and there are six windows but only one is open, you probably think the same thing I do: “I wish there were fewer people working here.” 

Politicians who scold town hall protesters for not being willing to compromise on health care reform don’t seem to understand that health care is literally a life-or-death issue.  Which half of that do they expect people to compromise on? 

In a slip of the tongue, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs referred to the “war on terror.”  Someone needs to memo him that we don’t call it that anymore.  It’s now called the “crackdown on CO2-producing incendiary devices.”  

The New York Post reports that $28,000 of stimulus bill money went to the University of Maryland to research how methamphetamines “enhance the motivation for female rat sexual behavior.”  So at least female rats got stimulated.

Three eco-engineers in France have designed a shower with a plant-based filtration recycling system that makes the water so clean, you can drink your own shower water.  Is that really a big problem in France?  People using up all the drinking water by taking too many showers? 

A Rasmussen poll finds that “Congress member” has sunk four places below “lawyer” and is now the least favorably regarded profession.  And if you’re a Congress member who’s also a lawyer, well…I don’t think the chart goes that low. 

California authorities say the recent wildfires saved them the trouble of having to destroy at least three major marijuana plantations hidden in the Angeles National Forest.  If that news doesn’t convince California environmentalists to let them clear out the kindling, nothing will.  

The House health care plan does forbid covering illegal aliens, but Democrats rejected giving hospitals the power to identify whether someone is an illegal alien.  So in reality, it only prevents illegal aliens from being treated by doctors who are psychic. 

The health care reform bill before the House puts impenetrable insurance regulations on employers, and if they fail to comply, they could face a $500,000 penalty enforced by the IRS.  Maybe that’s the free colonoscopy Obama promised. 

The mainstream media hardly mentioned that the Census Bureau had revoked its contract to work with ACORN in 2010.  Maybe if Kanye West had yanked the Census contract out of ACORN’s hands, it would’ve actually made the news. 

President Obama insists that forcing uninsured people to buy an expensive health care policy or pay a big fine is not a new tax.  But since they’ll be forced by law to fork over a lot of their hard earned money to pay for services they’ll probably never use, it sure will feel like a tax. 

The mayor of an Indian village refuses to give up his begging career because he says he makes enough to subsidize town projects.  You know, instead of raising taxes, why don't we send all our Congress members home with a begging bowl?  If they say begging is beneath them, just remind them of all the campaign fundraisers they've hosted. 

Roman Polanski didn't flee America because he feared an unfair judge would give him an unreasonable sentence.  He fled because he feared a fair judge would give him a reasonable sentence.  

Pet supply sales are expected to top $45 billion in 2009, up 4.5 percent over last year.  Pet owners say they might have to live on mac and cheese, but they refuse to give their beloved pets second-rate food.  Besides, we all know the cats wouldn’t eat it.

The weekend box office brought happy news for Michael Moore: It looks like his new anti-capitalism movie will lose his producers a whole lot of money. 

Tom Delay did better than expected on “Dancing With The Stars,” but he quit the show because of stress fractures in both feet.  That’s one thing politics does teach you: when to leave before you get voted out. 

Universal Studios CEO Ron Meyer is trying to introduce Hollywood to this crazy concept called cost controls.  He said, "We have overspent and underperformed."  Well, no wonder they love the Obama administration so much! 

Three employees at a Detroit liquor store are under arrest for allegedly letting customers buy illegal items with their food stamp debit cards.  Turns out you can’t use food stamps to buy liquor, porn or Viagra.  Although with politicians writing the laws, I’m kind of surprised you can’t.

Halloween mask marketers were surprised that Barack Obama masks aren’t selling.  I guess that’s because if you trick-or-treat as Barack Obama, you have to go from door to door, handing out free candy.

The Humane Society is lobbying Congress to let taxpayers deduct up to $3500 a year for pet expenses.  But passing the bill is a longshot, unless ACORN can register enough dogs and cats to vote. 

Social Security recipients won’t get a COLA this year, so President Obama wants to send each of them a $250 check.  That comes out to 68 cents a day.  Ironically, just about enough to buy a cola. 

London’s Tate art gallery is exhibiting a 40-foot tunnel that visitors grope their way through in pitch darkness, which the artist calls it a thought-provoking metaphor for life.  To me, it provokes the thought that a lot of modern art would look better if you turned out all the lights. 

The Obama White House told federal prosecutors not to target people using medical marijuana in states where it’s legal.  So the Administration has finally found an issue where it thinks the states can make their own decisions without the heavy-handed intervention of the federal government.  Too bad the only place they think that’s true is in the field of pot smoking. 

A man in Somerset, England, bought a hearse and painted it in a ‘60s psychedelic design to cash in on the growing market for funerals of aging hippies.  Of course, that wouldn’t work in America.  Here, old hippies never die.  They just get elected to Congress from California.

I don’t know why we even bother having a federal debt limit when Congress can just keep raising it.  It’s like giving a shopaholic a credit card and warning him that if he maxes that out, he’ll be given another credit card. 

The Senate Finance Committee’s health care bill runs 306 pages longer than the paperback of Tolstoy’s “War and Peace.”  If we try to lift it, we might need free government health care for our hernias. 

One California Democrat said the nearly 2,000-page House health care reform bill had to be so big because they’re bringing coherence to the health care system.  I guess that requires nearly 2,000 pages of incoherence. 

Did you ever think you’d be nostalgic for the good old days, when Congress came out with incomprehensible, budget-busting bills that were only ONE thousand pages long? 

Massachusetts Democratic Rep. Barney Frank just unveiled his new bill for more government control over banks that are “too big to fail.”  Who could know more than the leaders of Congress about running organizations that are too big to fail, but somehow just keep failing.  

The Minnesota Carry Permit Holders Society adopted a two-mile stretch of highway in Mendota Heights and spent nearly three hours picking up litter from it while wearing guns and holsters.  And I’ll bet you that once their stretch of road was clean, it STAYED clean.  

The City of London Cemetery is so crowded, it’s asking people to consider burying their loved ones on top of older coffins, in double-decker graves.  Now, Britons will not only have to make out a will, they’ll have to include a list of all the people they wouldn’t be caught dead with.

Virginia was a red state that went blue for Obama.  But after a year of watching the White House and Congress at close range, Virginia seems to be turning red again, possibly from high blood pressure.

A new poll finds that by a 61 to 14 percent margin, Americans believe it’s more likely we’ll discover alien life in outer space than that the current health care bill won’t increase the deficit.  If we do discover space aliens, let’s hope they like to invest in government bonds. 
 
It’s been three months since the convicted Pam Am 103 bomb plotter was released because he had only three months to live, and he’s the same as always.  The professor who made the diagnosis said he’s very surprised, but that cancer can suddenly come on and kill you very quickly.  Yes, so can bombs.  That’s why we jail people for life when they plant them.
 
More than 2,000 trick-or-treaters dropped by the White House on Halloween, where President and Mrs. Obama handed out M&Ms and fruit snacks.   I’m told there is no truth to the rumor that kids dressed as bankers were given bags of tax money.  
 
Remember, if you don’t vote, you can’t complain about what the politicians do, and that would shut you out of the national pastime.
 
I’ve heard of whistling past the graveyard, but when it comes to last Tuesday’s elections, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is leading a marching band through Grant’s Tomb. 

At a White House economics panel, there was a lot of talk about what the government could do to help entrepreneurs.  Entrepreneurs don’t need the government to hold their hands; they need it to take its foot off their necks. 
 
The world’s fastest man, Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt, is promoting conservation by adopting a baby cheetah, the world’s fastest animal.  He’ll pay for it to live in a Kenyan wildlife preserve.  If you let a cheetah live in your house, then you’d better be the world’s fastest man. 
 
The federal government suffered a loss when a jury in Brooklyn acquitted two former Bear Stearns hedge fund managers of securities fraud for allegedly misleading investors about how healthy Bear funds were.  The jury found that there’s a difference between outright fraud and just putting a good spin on bad numbers.  So maybe that’s actually a win for the federal government. 

When a reporter asked whether it’s constitutional to force Americans to buy health insurance, Speaker Pelosi snapped, “Is that a serious question?” and moved on to the next reporter.  It was as if she thinks the Constitution has no more power over Congress than a roll of Charmin, and roughly the same function.  

There’s one tiny silver lining to the recession: home burglaries are down because so few people are away at work anymore.  Of course, the down side of that is that now, even burglars are out of work. 

Former President Clinton was on Capitol Hill yesterday, lobbying for the health care reform bill.  He said, “The worst thing we can do is nothing.”  Although I’d say the House bill is living proof that “nothing” is only the second-worst thing we could do. 

A new plant opened in the Netherlands that will heat nearly 1100 homes by converting cow manure into bio-gas.  Forget the CO2 bill, this is the way that Congress could solve all of America’s energy problems.

The California Energy Commission voted to require that all TVs sold in the state use substantially less energy by 2011, but there’s nothing to stop Californians from just buying regular TVs online.  So the Energy Commission really just voted to drive the state’s TV retailers out of business, and driving people out of business is the California State Assembly’s job. 

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke announced that the Fed will insure the dollar stays strong, which sent the dollar shooting up then falling again as all the dollar traders on Wall Street started arguing over whether he really meant it.  Meanwhile, the rest of us continued living our lives and trading our dollars for ice cream. 

A Stanford University fertility researcher claims that electromagnetic fields from appliances like vacuum cleaners can harm a man’s sperm quality, so any man who wants to have children should tell his wife that he can’t help with the housework.  Of course, that might keep him from having children for other reasons.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that Washington, DC, now has the highest rates in the U.S. for syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia.   So spending isn’t the only area where our politicians have no self-control. 

Have you noticed that every time this Congress wants to shove through an unpopular, budget-busting piece of legislation, it always seems to happen late on a Saturday night?  Maybe we should stop complaining about politicians who go out drinking on Saturday nights.  They probably do less damage than when they’re sober. 

The poor operators at the Butterball Turkey Hotline had to tell a caller that it is not a good idea to try to cook a turkey extra fast by putting it in the oven on the cleaning cycle.  Not surprisingly, a man asked that question.  Although women might be amazed that a man even knew ovens have a cleaning cycle. 

Over the past 19 months, Rajendra Pachauri, the chairman of the U.N.’s IPCC panel on climate change, has reportedly flown over 440,000 miles to tell the rest of us to stop flying, including a weekend trip from New York to India to take in a cricket match.   You know, if science could  only find a way to make hypocrisy suck up CO2, all our problems would be solved. 

Millions of Americans who couldn’t afford a Christmas vacation this year decided to escape to the movies instead.  $15 buys you a three-hour tour of the planet Pandora in 3D, and unlike a trip on an airline, you can get up and go to the bathroom during the last hour if you want to. 

The annual “Christmas Price Index,” the cost of buying all the gifts mentioned in “The 12 Days of Christmas,” is up nearly $400 to $21,465.   This year, you’ll be lucky just to get 12 drummers drumming, and most drummers I know will work for pizza.

The weather forecast for Gitmo today is partly cloudy with a high of 89.  The forecast for Thompson, Illinois, is snow flurries with a high of 29, and a wind chill factor of 19.  Move the terrorists there and they’ll tell us anything we want to know in exchange for a space heater.

A British attorney says that 20 percent of the divorce petitions he sees now involve a spouse reconnecting with an old flame through Facebook.  Just a reminder of a hard truth that’s too often forgotten:  having an affair with the person you dated when you were 17 will NOT make you 17 again.  

About 300 pagans showed up at Stonehenge for winter Solstice Monday, realized they were there a day too early, and had to stand around shivering all night.  Maybe they should buy one of those Mayan calendars I’m always hearing about.

The left hates the Senate health care reform bill. the right hates it, and independents hate it.  It’s like that old joke about the kid so ugly, his parents had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him.  Only in this case, it’s a bill that has to be smothered in pork to get the Blue Dogs to play ball with it.